Changing the Habits of Your Inheritance

Which inherited cultural rules are you imposing upon yourself, which might be causing you more harm than good?

The British were always taught to keep a stiff upper lip in the face of hard times, but, as Kenneth Williams says in Carry On Up The Khyber, “Put the tea in the cup before the milk, and they go berserk!”

But what difference does it make?  Well, when teacups were made of delicate china, it did matter.  But not anymore.  What other ‘hangovers’ do we still cling to, as if they were true?

How about these things?

• Men shouldn’t wear make-up.
• You should always say please and thank you.
• You can’t ‘get away’ with wearing certain clothing at certain ages.
• Wine should be drunk from a specific style of glass.
• You should feel guilty for having a lie-in.

I stopped listening to the radio about ten years ago, so I’ve lost touch with modern music.  Why?  Because I don’t like modern music.  But, how do I know that I don’t like modern music, if I haven’t listened to it for ten years?

Quite simply, I have a prejudice against modern music.  It’s as if there’s a buzzer in my brain, which reacts negatively every time I hear a chart song, or even someone talking about a chart song.  I already know it’s going to be rubbish, so I don’t even bother to listen to it, even if it’s the best thing since the Beatles.  Which obviously it couldn’t be, because it’s modern.  I’m possibly missing out on a lot of great music.

We’ve all got our little hang ups, haven’t we?  But it’s stupid to say that I know something, if I haven’t even tried it.  Obviously, I’m not talking about doing dangerous or reckless things, just about trying something new that I would normally avoid.

We all pigeonhole objects, situations, and people.  We think we already know how something will go, or how someone will behave, so we listen with that state of mind.  We then look for evidence that confirms our existing beliefs.  And so it perpetuates.

Maybe we’re afraid that if we hear new ideas, we’ll automatically adopt them, so we avoid them.   But are we really that susceptible?  Not at all.  Wouldn’t it be fun to try new experiences?  And then if we don’t like it, we just don’t do it again.  We could be missing out on something life changing, if only we’d pause for moment to sample new things and ideas; who knows what delights we might discover!

We’re often so entrenched in our own perspective, that it’s hard to see things differently.  We take our own opinions very seriously, and we often assume that because it’s our opinion, then it must be right.  The truth.  But there’s always someone who sees things completely differently.  And that person believes in their opinion just as much as we do.

Children are often told what to believe by adults, and they’re encouraged not to question, so we grow up stuck with some unhelpful beliefs, which we get indignant about, as we leap to defend them.  But it’s just something that’s been downloaded into us from an early age.  Next time you feel yourself getting angry over something that’s not actually important, just remember it’s not who you are, but just something that you’ve been taught.

Of course, lots of our rules exist to protect us, and there are life-or-death consequences if they’re broken.  It’s sensible to cross the road carefully, and to wash your hands before eating.  But some things are just daft.

These inherited beliefs aren’t you.  If you’d been brought up somewhere else, you might have a completely different set of beliefs.

What do you think?  Oh, and any suggestions of modern bands would be gratefully accepted!

How to deal with someone who’s hurt you

It feels much nicer to love others, than to get dragged down with dislike or hatred.  And because of this, I try to get along with people the best I can – it makes my interactions with others more pleasant, precious, and enjoyable.  But as human beings, it’s natural that there will be times when we feel upset towards others.  Some people feel upset towards others on a daily basis – in the traffic jam, the office, the supermarket, and over dinner with their family.

When we feel that someone has hurt us, it’s very easy to mentally lash out at them and conclude that they must be a bad person for how they’ve made us feel.  But what if they’re only behaving the way they are because of the pain that they’re carrying around?

Up until very recently, people in our culture didn’t really talk about their feelings.  When I was at school, it was normal for teachers and parents to chastise rather than support, and sometimes my peers would turn on me for seemingly no reason.  I think this is all quite normal!  But at the time it was painful.  I would be assured at those times that sticks and stones could break my bones, but that words could never hurt me.  This didn’t feel true, though, because I did feel hurt by those childhood words.

Maybe you had similar childhood experiences?  Most people do.  And, the thing is, so did your adversary.  We’re all carrying around so much pain, aren’t we?  But we weren’t taught at school how to deal with it in a healthy way, so we just bottle it up and often end up taking it out on each other.

But remember, if someone’s making you suffer, they must be suffering themselves.

Generally, if someone is happy and fulfilled in life, they wouldn’t wish unhappiness on others.  They wouldn’t wish to drag you down or cause you pain.  The people who hurt or annoy you behave like that towards you, precisely because they’re suffering – they’re miserable and they don’t know how else to express it, so you get the brunt of it.

But it’s not personal to you!  In fact, in a way, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever.

Everything your enemy says is all about him or her.  Even if someone says they don’t like you, they’re telling you something about them – about how they feel about you.

When people cry, we can see their pain, so we give them a hug.  But when they express their pain in anger, we take it personally, because it feels as if they’re assaulting us.  That’s a natural response, and it kept our little monkey ancestors alive in the pecking order for many thousands of years.  It wouldn’t make sense to stay around an angry and potentially violent group member, so our instinctive ‘flight or fight’ response removes us from potential danger.

But we don’t need to live like little monkeys on autopilot anymore.  We can understand that people only get angry because their wishes have been thwarted.  If they were happy and content, they would be smiling.  They’re angry because there’s something gone wrong for them.  They’re misguided.  They think happiness comes from whatever it is that they’re wishing for at that moment.  Money, reputation, a sexy partner, not having to wait in line, wanting something done on their terms right now, or simply the desire to bolster their ego by belittling others.  The only reason people speak to you with anger, is because they’re suffering, and you just happened to be in the line of fire. And I’m not saying that you should put up with people being horrible to you.  Of course you shouldn’t.  But, if you can turn it around, and see their pain, rather than just thinking ‘how does this affect me’, then you’ll find it easier to keep peace of mind – and not lose your own happiness.  You’ll be able to respond in a calmer, more rational way.  And other people respect those sorts of people, don’t they!

But – you might argue – everyone knows it’s bad manners to be rude, don’t they?  Well actually, not everyone knows that.  We’re not all born with the same book of rules.  We needed to be taught those things.  Maybe, when your adversary was young, they saw his or their parents getting ahead by being like that, so they just assumed that was a good way to behave.

We are all human beings and we all have feelings.  Even the people who seem to be trampling on yours.

If we could see into the past of our enemy – if we could know what their childhood was like – we’d realise that they’ve had just as much of a tough time as we’ve had.  If we could see into their past, we’d immediately develop compassion for them.  It would be impossible for us to feel any hostility towards them anymore, because we’d understand that they’re just the same as we are – misguided at times, and in pain; simply wanting to be happy, but not really knowing how to gain that happiness.  Frustrated.  A bit stuck.

Imagine what it’s like for that angry person, living with all that bitterness.  But it’s for my benefit that I don’t retaliate to their provoking.   Because adding more anger and hatred into the situation will just cause me and them more pain.  Of course, I’ll remove myself from any hostile situation, but then I can work on trying to understand that person – for my own inner peace.

Next time someone upsets you, try to imagine them as a frightened, insecure little girl or boy.  That’s what they are when they’re like that.  Just like most of us are.  We need to find healthy ways to deal with the stuff that makes us afraid, angry, and hurt – and hopefully the things I blog about will help with that a little.  We need to be gentle with the other people’s feelings, and also with our own, because we are all precious, and we all have the right to be happy in this beautiful world.

 

How to keep a peaceful mind

Last week, I had a huge craving for chocolate, so I went out and bought one of those really big slabs.  As I was eating it, all I could think about was how delicious it was.  Do you ever get that?

After I’d eaten about half of it, I started to feel sick, so I put the rest in the fridge for later.  Then, I went into the living room, where my friend was eating a box of chocolates.  She asked me if I wanted one, and I was like, “Oh god, no thanks!” because just the thought of another chocolate repulsed me, after I’d eaten too much.

Same chocolate, opposite reaction.

Although it felt like the chocolate had changed from being desirable to being repulsive, it was, of course, my mind that had changed towards the chocolate.  This is obvious, I know, but it’s not how we tend to go through our life.  We usually think that it’s objects, people, and situations around us that make us happy or unhappy.  But, as you can see from the chocolate example, it’s not.

So what does make us happy then?

Happiness is a satisfied mind.  It’s simply a matter of wanting what you’ve got, right here, right now, and not wanting things to be different.  You can choose to accept whatever is going on now!  That certainly doesn’t mean you have to passively be a doormat.  You can decide to leave a situation that you don’t like.  But you don’t have to allow your peace of mind to be destroyed.

Allowing yourself to get bogged down with unhappiness, is like going into a garden, and focusing on the messy mass of brambles at the back, and ignoring all the beautiful flowers.

But, I hear you ask, what about all those things that make me feel happy? Like music.  And being with my friends, and having my dream job.  It does feel like all those things make us happy.

But they don’t.  You make you happy.  Your mind being at peace; that makes you happy.  When you’re doing the things you enjoy, you’re satisfied.  At that moment, things are perfect exactly how they are.  You’re in flow with whatever you’re doing.

Our mind – our thoughts and feelings – create our experiences for us, not the objects we perceive.

We think we’re passive in how things ‘make’ us feel, but it’s not true.  There’s nothing inherently good or bad about chocolate; it’s just chocolate.  We put the likes and dislikes onto things.  Emotions don’t magically waft over from objects.

The only reason we ever feel unhappy is because things aren’t going how we want them to.  The universe isn’t living up to the expectations we’ve placed on it, so we throw a tantrum!

But I know things can’t always go my way.  There are six billion other people in this world who also want things to go their way too, so it can’t all be about me.  I am a mere pebble on the beach of humanity.

If we want to keep a peaceful mind and enjoy living, we’ve got to start looking at things a bit more realistically, and understand that we’re not the centre of the universe, and that other people do things for their own reasons, and not to upset us.  My meditation teacher says we need to develop a mind like Teflon – one that problems don’t stick to.

If you don’t believe it’s that simple, try it for yourself.  Next time you feel unhappy, have a look in your mind, and check whether you’re looking at the flowers or the weeds in the garden of life.  If you’re looking at the weeds, try changing your perspective, and have a look at the flowers in the situation instead.  There are always positives in every situation, if you look.

You don’t have to allow your mind to be swept this way and that – from elation to depression – just because your external circumstances change.  You don’t have to give your peace of mind over to other people or situations.  You can work on keeping a peaceful mind, regardless of what’s going on around.

Give it a go; what’ve you got to lose?

Think Yourself Happy

Most of the things we do in this life are ‘hangovers’ from our animal desire to survive; we want to protect ourselves from threats, real or imagined, and we want to make sure that we are able to get enough of what we think we need. But survival is a futile goal, because no one can. No one gets out of this life alive. However, if you make happiness your goal, it’s something that you can definitely attain in this lifetime.

I live with someone who criticises me constantly – it’s nonstop. She’s catalogued all the mistakes I’ve ever made, and she loves to remind me of my backlog of slip-ups just when I need to forget them. Yet, if anyone else dares to so much as look at me in a way she doesn’t like, she goes mental; it’s the biggest deal ever. She’s violently unpredictable, too, because one minute she’s chastising me for not being good enough, and the next minute she’s making pathetic excuses for my bad behaviour – which I know was bad, but she defends to the hilt. She judges everyone I meet and she bitches about the people I love. And the crazy thing is, she says she does it because she cares about me.

‘She’ is my inner dialogue.

The incessant stream of mental activity we experience is like having earphones glued into your ears, constantly broadcasting a radio station that you can’t turn off. Instead of playing your favourite music, the transmission is a voice ordering you around, commenting on everyone you know, and telling you to pick fights with the people you love. You’ve been listening to this diatribe – and believing it – ever since you were old enough to understand language.
Let’s take a moment to listen to it now. At the end of this paragraph, stop reading for a minute and close your eyes. Listen to your thoughts, without identifying with them. Don’t talk to the thoughts, don’t answer them, just watch them…

How was that for you? What does your stream of thoughts look like from this angle? Where abouts in your head do your thoughts start and finish? In my imagination, my stream of thoughts looks like a laser beam of green light, flowing from one eardrum to the other, through my brain.
Now let’s see whether you can stop the thoughts – can you switch them off at will? Just sit and with your eyes closed again, and wait for the next thought to come. It might feel like the mental equivalent of holding your breath, or like stemming the flow of a burst pipe.

You’ll probably notice that by concentrating hard, it’s possible to jam the airwaves for a second at the most. But soon, the constant stream comes flooding back into your head again. You can’t control which thoughts come into your mind, but you can control which ones you give your attention to. You can decide which thoughts to focus on, and which to let pass by.
Thinking has enabled humans to survive and flourish – it’s an essential part of survival for our species.  But I hope you’ll now see that you don’t have to believe everything you think!  Where happiness is concerned, it’s often useful to add a little bit of space between ‘you’ and your thoughts.

Now that you’ve had a go at watching your thoughts and stopping your thoughts, the question is: do YOU still exist without your constant thinking? You didn’t disappear when you momentarily forced your thoughts to stop, did you? If you do exist without your thoughts, you can’t be your thoughts, can you?

Thoughts are just thoughts, and they can’t hurt you.  My thoughts land in my mind like a butterfly; they stay for a while, then flutter away. The butterfly isn’t me. I can step away from it, and watch it, learn from it, enjoy it, without needing to absorb it into my identity.

 

What are your thoughts?!

Mindfulness of Nature

It’s springtime!  It’s been a long, cold winter here in the UK, and everyone seems so much cheerier now the warmer weather has arrived.  Being outside at the moment makes me feel alive.  Not only does it offer visual beauty – thanks to the sudden explosion of yellow daffodils, red tulips, white cherry blossom, and pink rhododendrons – but the smells!  It gives me great pleasure to sit under my magnolia tree with my eyes closed and my nostrils open.  The silken magnolia cups themselves offer a faint fragrance of lemons, but that particular nasal experience requires shoving my nose inside one.  Some smells though – hyacinths, roses, lavender, honeysuckle – those scents simply waft over to me, free falling.  All I have to do is be present, and nature’s bounty comes to me, vibrating with the tang of rebirth; a welcome assault after the frosty, musky smells of winter.

When the sun is shining down on my face, I like to close my eyes and listen.  The charming, chirpy chirrup of a blackbird flits around my ears then dives inside my head.  A smile dances over my lips.  The sound is soothing to my mind.  A feeling of gratitude flies out of me, and wraps itself around the universe.  I swim in it, holding the enjoyment close to my chest, relishing the cooling warmth it gives me.

I inhale deeply – breathing in the peace all around me.  The overpowering summertime-scent of creosote assaults my nostrils, inciting streamers of nostalgia within me.  The chemical, woody smell reminds me of clement weather and happy Sunday afternoons.  Suddenly, I’m back there, another lifetime ago, helping my dad to paint the fence – basking in the chilled-out tunes of the Four Tops, as they drift over from the cassette player in the car.

Things were so much easier then.  So carefree. 

But were they really?  Or is the past just a secure place to hide from the present?  You can be safe in nostalgia, because you know, no matter what happened, you’ve made it through.  You’re here now – you survived – but the future is mysterious.  That’s the fear.  The fear of the unknown.

The vastness of the blue sky makes me feel humbled, yet inspired.  It’s like looking into the soul of creation, and seeing the secrets of life itself.  My insides rush with elation as I see myself reflected in the sky.

I’m nothing, yet everything.  A tiny speck of dust and the entire universe.

I smile at the sky, and remind myself that it’s not really blue – even though it seems to be that way.   Bees and other insects see the world in ultraviolet, so for them the sky probably looks pink.  It’s just a matter of perception.  Human eye receptors tell us the sky looks blue – but they’re like tinted glasses that distort our sight.

Insects and humans.  Same sky; different colour.  We all have our filters.  And they are ours.  Not the world’s.

A bee would argue ‘til it was blue in the face that the sky was pink.  And a human would argue ‘til it was pink in the face that the sky was blue.

But then again, bees wouldn’t waste their time on such trivialities.  There’s so much pollen to collect, and so many flowers to pollinate.  And bees only live for six weeks, so there really is a certain amount of hurry-up involved.

I glance at the bees in the lavender bush and feel a surge of love for them.  They’re so cute, with their fuzzy yellow and black stripes, and their huge eyes and antennae.

It’s so great to be buzzing with life!

 

Be Here Now – What is Mindfulness?

Have you ever noticed that you have a voice in your head that wastes hours of your precious time fretting about the future and regretting about the past?  My inner-dialogue loves to alight on arguments I had with people decades ago, re-living the situation so that this time I get to say something clever in response to their insult!

Perhaps you find yourself unable to relax, because your mind won’t stop worrying about how you’re ever going to get the end of your never-ending to-do list!

Have you ever noticed that your body is unable to time travel into the past and future with your mind?

This is an important point, because, while your mind can leave this present moment (and even this present location!) your body is always tethered to the now.

Have you ever noticed how peaceful you feel when your mind is also residing in the now?  I’m sure you’ve experienced this.  I love to just sit and listen to the birds singing at twilight in the springtime.  At that moment, I don’t need anything else; I’m comfortable, peaceful, and at one.  Perhaps you’ve experienced this contentment when savouring some nice food, or gazing at someone you love.  It’s not that you’re escaping from your inner dialogue, like you would if you zoned out in front of the telly.  But instead, you’re peaceful because your mind has joined your body in the present moment, and you’re not being blown around in the seas of past and future imaginings.

Luckily, you don’t have to just wait for random moments of peace to come along.  You can tether yourself to the present moment at any moment, simply by concentrating!

You can have a try right now!  Just bring awareness to your breathing.  Concentrate on it, to the exclusion of all other distractions.  Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth.  This act of purposely paying attention to your breath automatically brings you into the present moment.

You’ll notice very soon – and maybe this has already happened – that your inner dialogue will rush in very quickly, taking your mind away from your breathing, and trying to get you to concentrate on something much more fun, like what you’re going to buy at the supermarket later!

It’s completely natural for your inner dialogue to do this – it’s been doing it since you were old enough to have an inner dialogue!  But it’s possible to just gently bring your mind back to the present moment, to your breathing, whenever you want to, throughout the day.  It’ll give you a little bit of peace in your busy life – it’s like having a quiet soak in the bath, or a tranquil cup of tea in the sunshine!

You can incorporate this mindfulness – this purposely concentrating – with anything in your life.  You can drive mindfully, eat mindfully, and walk mindfully.  You just have to bring awareness – concentration – to what you’re doing, to the fact that you’re doing it.  You can even say to yourself “I’m sitting in the car, and I’m driving.  I’m changing gear, I’m letting that person out of the junction, because they look like they’ve been waiting ages!”

When you bring the awareness to what you’re doing, you’ll notice the miracle of being alive, the miracle of the internal combustion engine, of how kind other people are to provide you with clean water and food.  You’ll notice how precious are the things that we all take for granted.  How precious you are, and how precious others are.

We all need our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions to get us through life – they’ve helped our species to survive for thousands of years.  But when we take moments in our busy lives to step into the present moment, it reminds us that we can sit on the banks of our stream of consciousness and gain a little distance, rather than jumping in and getting caught up in the rushing current.

Mindfully concentrating on being in the present moment helps me to realise that the present moment is as precious and fleeting as a rainbow.  Imagine if you got to the end of your life,  having lived it all in the ghosts of the past and future, missing your actual life!

NOW is the only time that exists – everything else is just imagination.  So, as the title of the Ram Dass book says BE HERE NOW.

Try it NOW and let me know what you think

Winning The Versatile Blogger Award

I was recently thrilled to be told that my blog has been nominated for an award!  It seems like a good way to connect with other fellow bloggers, and to also support the blogging community.

I’m grateful to Kirsty-Victorine for the nomination.  Please follow her blog at http://presentorigin.wordpress.com to show her some support. 

The nomination rules:

- Display your award picture on a blog post. -Thank the person who nominated you, and link back to them in your post. –  Pass the nomination on to 15 blogs/bloggers that you have  recently discovered. – Contact the blogs/ bloggers, to tell them that you have nominated them! – Finally share 7 things about yourself.

If you have been nominated, this means that you have won the award. http://versatilebloggeraward.wordpress.com/

Here are the 5 blogs I am nominating (I’m sorry it’s not 15 – but I hope to discover more soon and will add them).  Some are blogs for self-published writers, and some are simply inspiring!

1. http://chrismcmullen.wordpress.com (great tips for indie authors).

2. http://www.thekindlebookreview.net/author-resources

3. http://successnetwork.wordpress.com

4. http://juliegreenart.com

5. http://joannewadsworth.com

The Seven Things about me:

1. I am an indie author and am about to self-publish a couple of novels.

2. I am a member of Maidenhead Toastmasters, which has greatly improved my communication skills and self-belief.

3. I am nearly thirty-six, and really feel that it’s the perfect age for me to be!

4. I play guitar and write my own songs.

5.  I meditate and practise yoga regularly.  But I’m not a hippy!

6. There was a time in my mid-twenties when I thought I was actually in love with Bob Dylan from 1966!

7. I truly believe that love is the answer.  Still not sure what is the question!

 

Thanks again for the nomination, Kirsty, and best of luck to all my fellow bloggers!

 

How to be Happy

Purpose, love, and enjoying the journey

In my soon-to-be-launched book, Ruby in the Dust, the main character Alex finds happiness through love, purpose, and enjoying the journey.  And those three things have enabled me to find happiness myself.  ‘Purpose’ and ‘enjoying the journey’ are most definitely interlinked.  At the moment, I’m working towards launching myself as an indie author – I have a very clear goal of what I want to achieve.  And I’m thoroughly enjoying working towards that goal, as well as continuing to see friends and taking part in the activities I enjoy.  That’s where the love part comes in.  I love my friends, and I love my family.

The more I continue to enjoy the journey, the happier I become.  And I find it’s much easier to love others when I’m in a better mood!  Being happy makes me want to be kind; being kind makes me feel happy and gives me a feeling of purpose.  It’s beautiful.

 

My marbles

It’s already springtime again!  I’m very pleased to see the yellow daffodils, smell the sweet blossoms, and (at last) feel the sunshine warming my face, but it does feel like it was only just Christmas, doesn’t it?  Each year seems to get shorter.

Last spring it occurred to me that I’ve only got a finite number of subsequent springs ahead of me.  I imagined that each remaining year of my life was a marble, and I realised that I only had around fifty or sixty marbles left in my bag – if I live until old age.  I wondered, what shall I do with those precious few marbles?

I told my friend about my marbles metaphor, and, for my birthday she bought me a glass bowl containing sixty-six marbles, instructing me to give away a marble to someone special every year.  Each time I look at the bowl, I can appreciate that those marbles will one day run out.  Every year, one less marble will be in the bowl.

If you’re wondering when you’re life’s going to start, then you’re missing it!  This is it!  This is all!  Life’s too short to be bored!  Whatever you’re doing, you can bring enjoyment to your life.  Stop wasting it and start living!  What are you waiting for?

Nurture your saplings

 

Last weekend, I planted my tomato seeds, and they’ve been sitting on the kitchen windowsill all week.  This morning, I came down for my breakfast, and I was thrilled to see that one of the seeds had germinated.  There was this pale, fragile, baby plant sitting in the soil, ready to grow, so full of potential.

Sometimes, we’re just like those baby plants.  As I said, I’m currently on the road to launching myself as an indie author – a self-published entrepreneur.  There’s lots of work to do, not only in terms of writing and re-writing my books, but also, I need to learn about marketing and social networking, and find out what has worked for other indie authors.

Sometimes it feels overwhelming, and like I’m not getting anywhere, but I need to remember that little plant on my kitchen windowsill.

The more I learn about being an indie author, the more glimpses of possibility I see.  I realise that I can nurture that potential, without becoming frustrated that things aren’t happening immediately.  When I planted my tomato seeds last weekend, I obviously didn’t expect them to automatically become fruit-bearing adult plants.  I know they need water, sunlight, and time.  They need my love!  I would never throw away a tiny, frail sapling for not being good enough, but instead, I can see the potential of the baby plant, knowing it will grow strong, as long as I continue to nurture it.

I know that I need to treat myself and my progress in the same way!

What do you think?  What are you doing to give you purpose, love, and enjoyment of the journey?  How are you making the most of your precious marbles?!

Your brain is what you do with it

 

Into this world we’re thrown

 

We all have inbuilt traits that come with us into the world, in the same way that a computer comes loaded with certain software.  Even before you had a sense of self, you had genetic traits, which you inherited from your parents, grandparents, great grandparents, and back and back, forever and ever.  Your intelligence, for example, is a genetic trait, but there isn’t a discrete gene for intelligence, or indeed, for any trait.  Instead, our genetic traits depend on various genes working together, which is why siblings can sometimes seem so different – even though they’ve got the same parents, they don’t inherit all the same genes.

Any parent will tell you that their baby definitely has a personality of their own.  Even cat owners say the same about their pets!  However, neuroscientists now know that our brains, and particularly the brains of children, are extremely ‘plastic’ and malleable – they are susceptible to changing to suit their environment.

The ‘nature versus nurture’ dichotomy has been debated and tested thoroughly over the years, and the conclusion is that it’s not as cut and dried as it seems – in fact nature and nurture are dependent upon each other.  Although you did come into the world with specific inbuilt traits (written in your genes), the environment that you grew up in had a massive impact on the person you became.  A person can inherit all the necessary genes to be a genius, but if no one teaches them to read and write, it’s unlikely that they’ll develop into the genius lying in wait.  If no one had put Mozart in front of a piano at a young age, he couldn’t have become a great composer, because his brain needed to mould itself around the music.  Great composers aren’t simply born ready to write a symphony, but are a product of their environment.

In her book covering the latest research into sex and gender differences in children, Lise Eliot highlights this point: “Simply put, your brain is what you do with it.  Every task you spend time on – reading, laughing, calculating, debating, watching TV, folding laundry, mowing grass, singing, crying, kissing, and so on – reinforces active brain circuits at the expense of other inactive ones.”  It makes sense really: the more you practise something, the better you become at it, because your brain alters itself to suit the situation.  You are a product of your genetic code and the things your brain interacted with when you were growing up.

 

The culture cult

 

Let’s go to Ancient Greece, two and a half thousand years ago.  Step out into the heat and dust.  You’re stepping into a world where women are second class citizens – they have no rights to vote or to own property.  Wives function to produce ‘legitimate’ heirs for their husbands, and non-wives function to cater to the desires of men.  The chroniclers of the time (i.e. the men) seem to be okay with this arrangement.  How would you relate to yourself if you’d grown up in that society?

Your treasured beliefs and values are largely a product of your culture

When I travelled in India, I dressed in the ‘modest’ way that most Indians dress, although it was the hottest place I’d ever been to in my life, and would’ve gladly gone around in nothing but a pair of hotpants, a sunhat, and lots of sun cream.  I was only there for four months, but on the plane on the way home, I was shocked to see the female cabin crew wearing knee-length skirts and high-heeled shoes, even though I’d spent my life up until then surrounded by liberal Western fashions.  It’s amazing how quickly we humans adapt, changing our values to suit the environment; we do this for survival and to remain sane in changing circumstances.  But the very fact that we adapt so easily shows that many of the rules that we deem to be inherently true are in fact given to us by our culture, and can sometimes be changed to the opposite, given the right conditions.

 

I’m a believer

 

A belief is just a thought, which you can inquire into and let go of if you wish.  You can ask yourself ‘Is this a helpful thing for me to believe?’ and ‘Is it true?’

We tend to think that we have beliefs, as if we’d had some choice in the matter.  But actually, our beliefs have us.  We don’t generally question them.  We just think ‘Of course I think like that, it’s natural, anyone would’.  But, the software you came in with has been tweaked over the years by your reactions to, for example, the behaviour of your parents, the friends you hung out with, the television programmes you were exposed to, the music you listened to, the hobbies that you were encouraged to take up, your teachers at school, the interests of your parents, the way you were told to conduct yourself in public… you have been influenced by everything you’ve ever encountered.  Each time you perceived something in the world, you made a decision about what it meant about you, and you believed your decision to be the truth, and now you’re stuck with these childhood creations.  But you don’t have to be.

It’s not that our beliefs or cultural behaviours are good or bad.  If you’re British, you were taught how to cross the road by looking right, then left, then right again.  This information has saved your life hundreds of times.  But when you went on holiday abroad for the first time, you may’ve noticed that you were looking the wrong way, and needed to retrain your road-crossing techniques!

You don’t have to be a slave to the way that you’ve been written.  Now that you have awareness of the fact that you didn’t create your beliefs, opinions, and ways of behaving, you can just notice when you’re acting according to the script that has been written for you.  You can learn to have an awareness of your thoughts and feelings, and you can make choices outside of the confines of the software that was downloaded into you.  You can take control of your future, leaving the past in the past.

 

 

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Boundaries to free your mind

This post is by special guest blogger, Lisa Todd.  It’s all about how we can benefit from constructing mental boundaries, in order to help us have more harmonious relationships!  Thanks, Lisa, for sharing this with us!

Boundaries can help to ensure a peaceful state of mind

Mostly when we think of boundaries we think of limitations. Things that attempt to stop us, or at least put hesitation in our thoughts and actions.   Signs, fences, and walls are tangible boundaries and they make it pretty clear what is off bounds.

These boundaries are essential in life, as they’re there to warn us.  A fence around a swimming pool can avoid a drowning.  A sign that says ‘Watch your step’ can avoid a fall.   We welcome those types of boundaries and don’t really think of them as limitations, but instead helpful hints.  Wouldn’t it be easy if our lives came with such instructions?    They can.  They do!

We cross paths with people on a daily basis.  Some people are in our lives for a reason; others just because of congestion, and they end up on the same path at the same time as us.   Some of these people stay and continue in our journey and some just pass with a nod.   Those that stay can become defining people in our lives.  People we share moments with – moments that become memories, which can take us to a better place at a difficult time.  These are our friends, our inner circle, and we depend on them to nourish us when we need it and make us laugh when we’re on the verge of tears, as we would do for them.  After all, why would we have people in our lives that didn’t help us grow?  Why would we have people that nourish themselves by feeding off of us?

Sometimes, however, we can’t always choose who is in our lives.  We will refer to them as family, or a friend, or partner of a good friend that you may not see the attraction of, but they’re there in your life now because of somebody that does have meaning to you.

Unfortunately, with people, ourselves included, we come with our faults and human errors.   Therefore, we must find a way to deal, cope, get on…. That is where our boundaries come in – what we will and will not put up with.

The thing that is most important about boundaries is that we need to realize that they are ours. We dictate them to ourselves. If we allow someone else to establish our boundaries then they will be constantly changing based on who is determining them. If it is us that determines them then they are clear and can stand strong regardless of who may be challenging them.

We have certain boundaries that are not to be compromised. For example, for me, if someone tells me an untruth and I find out about it. I cannot trust them completely again. Something actually disconnects inside of me. I can’t help it. So, I always at some point make it clear when building friendships what my boundaries are.  It tells people what I will and what I will not be able to tolerate.

  So establish your boundaries – the list of what you will and will not put up with in a relationship. Then make another list of what you are absolutely unable to accept. Put the two lists together. Maybe the first list you can make some concessions on, but the second you cannot. Pick and choose your battles. You don’t have to win at everything, as long as you win on what you simply can’t compromise on. If you can’t win on that right away and you simply can’t compromise on it then you are doing fine if you’re heading down field. You don’t have to score a goal each time out, just as long as you’re moving in the right direction each time.

Bottom line is, we have control over acting upon our feelings, not anyone else’s. We need to be honest about what we can and cannot accept, not just about what we don’t want to accept.  Establish your boundaries. They will dictate to others how you will allow someone to treat you.  And remember, how you want to be treated is probably the same way that someone else wants to be treated.

So, instead of boundaries being a thing that we think of as stifling, boundaries can also be to the contrary, quite freeing in living with a peaceful mind.

Lisa Todd is a screenwriter and songwriter, based in America.  You can follow her on Twitter @holdenchild